Hello, she says professionally, IMPOSTER she replied kindly.

I met my first Career Coach last nite.  This was the first meeting I have ever gone to not dressed professionally as if going to a meeting.  I am determined to be comfortable in my own skin in all circumstances....Yoga Pants, Fleece pullover, moisturizer of course...HELLLLOOOO :)  In my defence it was actually snowing out like a blizzard...March 21st!! Crazy right...I felt an odd connection with the weather today, looks like a blizzard, all the looks, but, as we all know those spring snows only look the part of what a true winter storm can pack.   
The next day I returned to the local career center to check out any new job postings and read some inspirational words.  I am sitting in a room, more of a slice of cubicle, and trying to block out the other people around me, conversations in small class rooms about computer programs, phone conversations that are on cell phones, and an overall stale smell of dry air and office supplies, with an occasionally refreshing waft of cool March air that follows each new person in. ...a constant reminder that there are so many others here with the same predicament....."I need a job, I need a good job, I need a job..., I need a job that pays, I need a job, I need a good job, one that satisfies, my artistic needs"  hysterical line from the movie Sid and Nancy....I am laughing to myself, which is why I wrote it, and all the while keep projecting outwardly that I am in control and focused on my future as if I know what direction to go in with all the confidence of a bull set on destroying a person who has just entered its pen. Convince myself that I am strong and ready to take on anything that is before me with boldness and purpose and knowledge that I really don't feel I even have, but just through past circumstance have a basic understanding of how to go about this hunt. Occasionally I have the tunnel vision set in as if I am my grandfather looking at his remote control wishing there was only 2 buttons, ON and OFF the size of muffin tops.
 
 I was told by my career coach that starting a blog may help me to express my feelings over my recent job loss.  After painful attempts to write my own resume, of which I have never had one done professionally, Ha let alone done unprofessionally, (take one guess who the author is)  I have had to fill out applications for jobs but have never needed a resume.   I used  many resources off an endless supply of off center, stapled packets to search for help.   I wound up calling a resume writing service, spoke to a very warm receptionist and eventually set up an appointment to meet with a professional resume writer. Oh look at me!!! I felt really satisfied at the seemingly little step to others, but for me it felt really huge seeing I felt I had wasted so much time trying to do it myself; asking for help has a lot of baggage attached to it.  I am hoping to discover what my hang ups are on this subject.     I explained to her that I was frustrated, and felt daunted at the task and since I don't aspire to be a writer, I wanted to put myself in the care of someone who knows what prospective employers are looking for or at least to get their attention enough to read mine.  I told her I will supply you with all the particulars and be as willing to offer my help as possible but I was at a mental wall, and I want to come back when you finish making it look good. Look Good .....Hmmm.  A few days passed and I was not as excited  to meet with her.   I could not seem to write about myself for a cover letter and with time pressing on me to get this done and out it became a nightly noose around my neck getting tighter and tighter.  I truly was at a loss.  I was oddly relieved to hear that I am not alone. REALLAY... Ok a little ray of hope to hear.  You mean I am not an endangered species of human!  Interesting.  But,  then she broke out her Big Gun...and asked me what job I was interested in?  I couldn't give her an answer.  At this point in my life I had done so many different jobs in such a short period of time, I was actually afraid of sounding like scatterbrain...is there such a thing as occupation ADD?   (left off here)  In the mean time a follow up call came in from a person who had been given my number by the local college I was inquiring at for career councelling.    My new Career Coach.   She told me to Make all your Boulders Pebbles! as I set out to find a new job, and more importantly get to know myself with her help.    I want to be the unexpected spring snow that hits and dumps all the power of a full blown Nor'easter and leaves my boulder Buried so I can walk over it as a gentle rolling hill under my feet.